TRY

I am feeling introspective today...I don't know why, just one of those days you feel like telling people something that you have never really admitted to anyone.  It's something that has never really been a secret...just a feeling that you have always tried to ignore or an insecurity that pops up every once and awhile.  I feel like by saying it out loud, it loses power over me.  Once I have acknowledged it, I can defeat it.
SO..........
I have always felt inferior to people....I know...I cover it well...talking about how awesome I am and how much of an individual I pride myself on being.  But I have confidence issues and they all stem from me feeling inferior.  Someone is always better than me at something.....nothing makes me special.  Or at least that is what my head tells me. 

I have been working really hard not to judge myself based on other people because really you only have yourself to answer to and if you are constantly judging yourself on how other people do..you will never measure up.
And to be honest, no matter how hard you work on being happy with yourself and accepting yourself for who you are...the insecurities come back at odd moments.  This insecurity I have is one of the major reasons I run from my dreams, why I say its better to dream than experience failure.  That evil little voice inside my head says to me...who would pay for your crafts...there are a million people better than you are doing the same thing.  And by not trying at all, the voice is not right, and I still have my dream.
But its time to exercise all the negative out.  how do I do that? I don't really know...I'm far from an expert at curing insecurities...I am an expert at living and dealing with them.  But I am not gonna stop trying to silence my insecurities....each try the voice gets quieter...each try my confidence grows....each try I am happier with myself. 
So I am gonna leave you all with an assignment.  Do something small to start working at overcoming your insecurity.  And listen to this song....Try by Nelly Furtado.  Whenever I listen to it...I feel like as long as I am trying, there's still hope.  No matter what happens...keep going.
Always try!

Gives you Hell

So...a very good friend of mine told me that I need to verbalize my anger towards a certain boy and stop being mad at myself. And me being my own worst critic has spent the past 2 months being mad at myself for being stupid and letting some meaningless boy in past my defences and letting him treat me like I am nothing. BUT...Something clicked last week....and now I have an angry song anthem that I like to listen to, when I start to get mad at myself...I just put this song on to remind me that he is the loser not me.
As you all know..I love Glee, and after Finn dumbed Rachel in the welcome back episode...she sings that song, Gives you Hell. That's the song. I have also loaded up a few more angry songs...i know this is strange but the angry songs always cheer me up and pump me up and remind me that I am better off as I am...and to not waste time and energy on people that don't treat me as I deserve...because let's face it...I'm awesome....do you know what I deserve...Neil Patrick Harris...if he were straight.
Anyways...here are some of the angry songs that always make me happy:
Puddle of mudd - She Hates Me
Poe - Angry Johnny
The Veronicas - Everything I'm Not
Kelis - Caught out There
Glee (all American rejects) - Gives you Hell
Cake - I will survive (classic and a much better version than the original)

Anyways...those are just a few...if anyone has any suggestions..let me know..also I am looking for good work out music.

One last point...Drake. I am not a big rap fan...but this Drake song OVER...i was expecting to not like it....but I LOVE IT..so crazy..I can't stop listening to it. Also..degrassi alumni...he is officially way cooler than the rest of us.

Judgements

So, this weekend my friend pointed out to me that I am very judgey. And he's right, I do like to judge people based on their surface appearance. But I mean, come one...someone wearing a neon pink high heeled shoe that is covered in black lace with a giant neon pink flower stuck on the toe...how do you NOT judge that.

Also, coming out of iron man two and then heading to the subway Saturday night...there were these two girls and they were wearing these dresses...if you could call them dresses..and they looked so trashy. I mean someone wearing that little is gonna come off a little trashy...but on certain people, if accessorized and styled right..it would work. And it wasn't just the size of these dresses...the material, the design....it was all horrible...one girl's dress was held together by a safety pin because the zipper broke.
My friend told me to stop being so judgey...and i was like...I can't...some people just ask for it. Then as we are heading down to the track...I look over and see them...and these girls have taken off their SHOES
Now don't get me wrong...I hate wearing shoes..and love going barefoot...but there is a time and a place for bare feet. And the SUBWAY PLATFORM....not the right time!!!
Seriously! barefoot on the subway...in a dress that looks a spandex tank top that just barely goes past your butt...with a zipper kept together with safety pins. You can't not judge that.

A club all the cool kids are joining

I have always been a great crocheter...I taught myself (with a little help from my mom) when I was like 12 and have been crocheting ever since. Andrea is also a big crocheter. We were talking the other day about how many cool patterns there are out there for knitting.
Let me give you a little background about me and knitting. I always love the patterns and every once and awhile I get inspired to try knitting. I have all the basics down, casting on, knitting, purling, casting off, decreasing and increasing. But I have never successfully completed anything more complicated than a scarf or a hat. Usually what happens when I attempt something more advanced....in the beginning, i am all..look at me go, I'm awesome, then something will go wrong..I will get all frustrated..and then I will declare "I hate knitting" and go back to crochet.
Andrea has a lot more patience than I do, and she has successfully completed many knitting projects. Truthfully, she has majorly surpassed me on all crafts involving wool. She is truly amazing at making beautiful things out of wool. But she also has trouble with knitting things that are more complicated.
So we have decided to start a knitting club....granted it's just the two of us...so I don't know if you would call it a club, maybe it should be called a team...I don't know....crap...got off topic again.
Okay, so here's how it works, we make the same project at the same time, that way if one of us is having trouble the other can help. We take turn picking the projects, starting with small ones, moving slowly to more complicated ones. My ultimate goal...knit a wonder woman sweater for myself. I saw this one a girl posted on Ravelry (a crafting website...yes I visit crafting websites...and yes they are super cool) and I SO want that sweater.
Anyways...I am picking the first project, its a scarf that has leafs on the edges. Called Saroyan designed by Liz Abinante available at http://feministy.com/blog/saroyan/

If you want to join this super cool club, let me know...all are welcome.

Too Much???

So it has been a week since I joined Goodlife...and about a month since I decided to get serious about getting into shape. As you all know my deadline is my birthday at the end of July. I have about 15pounds to lose to have a healthy body weight. But here's my issue.....I am not complaining at all, but when women start working out and losing weight, they lose from their boobs first. Boobs are mainly all fat so it makes sense. Here's what doesn't make sense, I have already lost like 20 pounds over the last year and I have 15 more to go (yes, that is impressive and yes I had gained a lot of weight since high school) but I have lost like nothing from my boobs...they remain as the same. I mean really...I have always wanted to go down to a more 'normal' cup size. Sorry boys if you are reading this...I am sure I am oversharing..but..oh well.
See, they always have such pretty bra's and they never come in my size..i am stuck with boring plain bra's with great support. Same with sports bra's and those shirts with the built in bra's....none of that works for me. I have to get these intense sports bra's to strap them down or they bounce around way too much...I know I know...OVERSHARE.
I have bra envy. And my one big hope with this weight loss was that I would go down just one size...i mean two would be awesome...but one seems more doable. And it doesn't seem like its gonna happen.
Okay...I totally went off on a tangent there...I wanted to talk about how my plan is to work out 6 days a week to shock my body into losing weight again. I have been at this plateau since January..and drastic measures have to be taken. My body got use to boot camp...and I am not running. So here is the insane plan I have made for my exercising:
Monday:Boot camp
Tuesday:Body Pump
Wednesday:Body Combat
Thursday:Boot camp & yoga
Friday: Off (i know crazy to take an off day but i was told i could do damage if i don't take a break)
Saturday:the fit fix machines then a body flow class
Sunday:RPM

Now the classes on Tuesday and Wednesday i haven't completely decided on..and i may change Wednesday to an rpm class and then go to a late body combat class on Tuesday...but i am trying this first to see how it works.
But I think with this schedule..I should be able to meet my target no problem.

The Creation of Dunch

Since my post yesterday, I have been thinking a lot about dunch...It was a great day that dunch was invented. And it was invented by Me, Amy, Will, & Leah. You know that was a great day all together....

It was when Amy lived on spadina right near bloor, we all adventured to see her...and we weren't sure what to do. So we decided to explore the neighbourhood....where me and Amy picked up matching shirts at this little store on bloor. They were white long sleeve shirts with tiny black stars all over them...best shirt ever...i was sad to see it go, but tragically me and white don't work out while and it got stained, i think with nail polish.
Then we decided we were hungry and went to this local pub...i can't remember the name, but i walked past it a couple weeks ago...its on bloor just a couple blocks down from spadina. It was so empty when we went it because it was like 3:30...just after lunch rush but before dinner rush. I think that's why i like dunch so much...if you are going out for dunch, (which let's face it...the best part of a brunch or a dunch is that someone else makes the food...so you probably are) is that it isn't as popular as brunch so you avoid the crowds while enjoying the mixed meal fun.
I don't remember how we got on the topic of meals..i think it was lord of the ring talk and how the hobbits love many many meals..the we started arguing over which sounds better linner or dunch. we voted..and dunch was born.

So its not a great and exciting story. but if you were there...it would have been epic. It changed many things...that was also the day i decided I should get a second tattoo, and what it was gonna be. The tree of life.

SIDE NOTE:I just wanted to give you a progress update since i joined good life last week. I have gone two times...and love the machines and the classes...but their services that they keep trying to offer, not so great. I was suppose to have a personal health assessment yesterday, which to be honest, i didn't really need because Marv does them for me every month..but i thought, its free and they want to help...why not. So i got their yesterday they told me to go sit on this couch..and i was there for like 15 minutes, no one came by at all to help me or to be like..oh someone with be with you in a moment. I mean even if someone just acknowledged that i was waiting and someone would come by i would be content to wait...but they basically just ignored me. All the employees stood around laughing and having fun while i just sat there. So after being ignored for 15 minutes..i was like forget this. And i went to work off my anger on an exercise machine. So here is my decision about good life...great place to go work out but if you need any help..forget about it. no one there cares.

Random things you should know about Tin

I was reading this blog last night and the writer did a list of things that she is terrified of. I liked it...it was good information but now..if i ever meet her in public, or she pisses me off, I know that all I need to do is attack her with a shark.....anyways, I thought maybe I should give you and updated list of things about me.
1. I can't go to any sort of drug store without buying a bottle of nail polish, and I hate all those pinky pastel mom colours...so i have like 30 bottles of nail polish all very dark shades, well except this one bottle that is florescent pink. I got talked into trying it. I was told by my co-workers that guys aren't attracted to girls with black or purple or green or blue nails...that they should be soft feminine pink colour. I was like 'oh no, i am so upset that i am missing out on all those guys who judge me based on my nail polish colour' and we started this huge 'debate' basically where i refused to believe that if I wore pink nail polish guys just wouldn't be able to resist me. So I bought a bottle of pink polish..although all the pastel pinks made me want to retch..so florescent pink it is. I wore it for a week...and guess what...not one single guy notices...shock (not). And so I won the argument and did a victory dance. The only draw back is that i kind of like the florescent...its fun and different. I pull it out every couple of months just for fun.
2.I hate running. I come from a family of crazy runners, and as you all know, I am on a quest to get in shape and get healthy...so even my trainer Marv is like..dude you should run. I don't see what the big deal is about running. I don't find it fun but everyone i know..once they start running, they are like completely obsessed with it. My mom, dad and sister just ran a 10k race and they are all excited to run another one. They want me and my brother-in-law to go stand at the starting line or somewhere along the race route to cheer for them. Here's my problem with that, A. you see them for like two minutes B. the races are always very early in the morning. But...afterwards they go out for brunch...I love brunch..any time someone combines two meals it excites me...like dunch (dinner and lunch) great meal around 4pm. In fact, the best weekend would be a dunch on Saturday then a late night snack then a brunch the next morning...boy would that really work for me.
3.I have a very intricate well thought out plan of how to survive a horror movie if I ever happen to get stuck in one. First of all, I am the sassy single girl, so I have that going for me, all my friends are in couples which spells trouble because they always kill one of the people in the couple then the other is too distraught to survive. Also, I plan to run at the first sign of trouble..I am not gonna be one of those people that want to 'investigate further'. I mean come on...the powers out, there have been some strange things happening and you want to go check out that noise you hear.....sorry man, you are on your own. I am getting out of there as fast as I can. If I can't get out....I am barricading myself in some sort of space that i can defend if i have to. Although someone said that if you are worried about a zombie invasion (which i am) you should take up archery or target practice...and she is right...head shots are needed..and i know squat about guns or whatever. I am gonna have to start my training. Although i think archery would be cooler because you could decorate the bow and arrows so other zombies will be able to recognize and fear my work. Also...you shouldn't sacrifice fashion just because you are fighting zombies. Good fashion is always important and good accessories often make an outfit...so spend a little extra time to make your bow and arrows really pop!

Ikea Furniture....never again!!!

I bought this TV stand from ikea, so of course assembly is required. The only things I have ever bought from ikea were pretty easy to put together, a desk and a book shelf, both only needed that little wonky tool that comes with the furniture.
So I am all like, I can do this, no problem. I can put together a TV stand.
I get home from the gym on Saturday, re-arrange my room and get to putting it together around 2..maybe 2:30 at the latest.

AND

This is what I have learned....I am not a handy person at all, crafty YES....handy NO! Also...Ikea has the WORST instructions ever...it doesn't say what piece is what..its just pictures...and there is absolutely no written part at all. I put SO MANY pieces together backwards and wrong that I had to keep taking it apart. Of course I wouldn't realize it was wrong until i was like 8 steps past that part. Needless to say...it completely sucked and i didn't finish until like 8pm. That's right..i worked on this stupid TV stand for like 6 hours. And adding to the fun of putting together my own furniture...the destructo-kitties. Logan kept trying to attack me and the bag of screws. I caught Remy trying to eat one of the screws..so I locked them out of the bedroom...where they sat outside the door and meowed and stuck their paws under the door.
There was a lot of swearing and quite a few injuries..the worst one..i sliced my thumb with a flat head screw driver while trying to pry apart two of the pieces I put together wrong.

SO, New Rule: Never put together your own furniture, either buy it ready assembled and have it delivered by two beefy strong men. Or if you can't live without that piece of furniture that has to be assembled....you better find someone to do it for you!

Planning the Plan

My sister Andrea...she is the best. Her birthday is in two weeks, 13 days to be exact, and when I asked her what she wanted for her birthday....do you know what she told me. She wants a detailed plan of how I am gonna achieve my dreams. How great is that.

So I have decided I am gonna start small....making t-shirts and jewelry and purses to sell online. On etsy at first and if that goes well then I will move onto starting up my own website...which will be tough because I don't know anything about creating and running a website. I may need to take a class. Than if that goes well, I will join the one of a kind shows. After that, hopefully I will have enough capital to open my own store, where I will sell things that I create, as well as teach classes and sell wool and other craft supplies. Basically I want to create cool things and share my love of craft with the world.
I still have a few details to work out. Like finding things that I can make quickly and nicely.
Andrea will help me figure out what to craft and help me perfect it...she is my crafting partner.
And I will defiantly need my sister Steph to help me figure out the business side. She has a better head for those things than I do. She will know exactly how to price things and how I should market myself.
Actually her and my cousin Alex made a business plan for me when they were in university and entered it into some sort of competition. I believe I still have it. I am gonna have to look at it and see if it still applies.

That's right people.....its happening........MAYHEM is being resurrected!

I'm Worried.....

About the members of Glee, they have to place at regionals to keep the club alive and they have hardly practiced at all. They are so not going to be prepared for regionals. Vocal adrenaline is gonna kick their butts, it also doesn't help the Jesse has joined New Directions with the purpose of taking them down from the inside. So Evil.
Their singing to develop plot....its lovely and enjoyable.
BUT
We need to keep our eye on the prize people - Winning Regionals!

That being said..i will acknowledge that they aren't real people and they will place at regionals because the show will be renewed for next season and they don't have a show without a glee club.

But even though the characters are fictional that doesn't excuse them from working hard and being completely prepared for regionals.

Luck of the Irish??

I am Irish...shouldn't I be luckier than I am? I guess it is my fault....waiting for luck instead of just going for things myself. But I have always been hesitant about going for the things I want. Its like for some reason I have convinced myself I don't deserve them. After all, I am my own worst enemy.
But let's think about this....take the leap and risk it for great happiness or stay where you are and stay miserable? Pretty easy choice one would think. but i am so screwed up that I think it is better to have the dream than experience the failure.
Okay...so have I confused you all yet? just going on and on and not really explaining anything?
Okay so here's the deal.....I have always known...ever since I was a young teenager what i wanted to do....own my own store. I have always loved the idea of having something that is completely mine. Over the years, the store has changed from a clothing store, to an accessory store, to a craft store...but the name and spirit has always remained the same in my brain.

SO..What brought on this lovely self deprecating little post?

I am turning 30 in 3 months.....

with very little to show for my life, a career path that is according to my dad -beneath me, no serious relationships just a series of train wrecks, some savings but no real valuable equity...let's face it..clothes although super awesome don't really offer you a great value for your money, and a great dream that I am too afraid to go after.

I always feel like I am failing at life, because I am constantly judging myself and my life based on other people's lives. But really you people have helped me to develop that mind set. "Oh Erin, you when are you gonna settle down and get married" "Erin, you should be doing something better with your life" "Erin you need to make more friends, you are on your own too much"

Well it is time to stop basing my life on other people. I want more than anything else to be happy. This is an extremely hard concept for me because...as I said before..I am my own worst enemy. So here is my present to myself for my 30th birthday. I have 3 months to achieve it but i think it will be a work in process.
1. I will be in peak physical condition for my birthday...i may even have abs.
2. I will have started to work on opening my own store...it is time i stop running from fear and start embracing my dream. I want to run my own store..its time i do it.
3. I will stop looking for a relationship because my family wants me to settle down and get married. Sure it would be nice to have someone to share my life with but right now..all i do is make bad decisions when it comes to boys...BAD BAD DECISIONS!!!
4. I will try to stop judging myself so harshly. I need to remember that i deserve happiness.

86 Days...to go!