At 5pm this evening, i will be officially unemployed. Well maybe 4pm because what are they going to do if i leave early....fire me?
It is such a weird thing....i am feeling so many different emotions that i can't decide which one to go with. I am excited at the chance to start fresh, also excited for some time off, but i am sad to leave work after 7 years. I am nervous about finding a new job. And i am Mad...at the situation and how unfair it all is, how poorly this whole thing was handled.
So what do i do now....i am going to try something new...that i have never done before - not worry and live in the moment.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Fashion Rant
So, i am taking this sociology course for the summer as well as an OHS Law course. And on my way to school I have to walk past a busy part of downtown. And i just noticed something yesterday. It got me thinking......it has been awhile since i have had a fashion rant via blog....so enjoy.
When did jean shorts get so ugly. remember when they were comfy and cut off versions of your jeans? Because yesterday all i noticed was girls in these jean shorts that are on the higher waisted side which isn't horrible on top of the high waisted, the shorts are incredibly tight and really short....like so short that the sides are higher up than the crotchal area. Do you know what they look like....diapers. When did diaper jean shorts become popular and who let it. No one can look attractive in these shorts, all the girls i saw wearing them yesterday, could have been pretty but all you could see is diaper butt and that is never attractive.
Okay on to other news....my sociology professor is adorable. He writes on the chalk board instead of using the computer and power point slides. I love it. It is such and old school way, it makes me feel like i am in high school.
When did jean shorts get so ugly. remember when they were comfy and cut off versions of your jeans? Because yesterday all i noticed was girls in these jean shorts that are on the higher waisted side which isn't horrible on top of the high waisted, the shorts are incredibly tight and really short....like so short that the sides are higher up than the crotchal area. Do you know what they look like....diapers. When did diaper jean shorts become popular and who let it. No one can look attractive in these shorts, all the girls i saw wearing them yesterday, could have been pretty but all you could see is diaper butt and that is never attractive.
Okay on to other news....my sociology professor is adorable. He writes on the chalk board instead of using the computer and power point slides. I love it. It is such and old school way, it makes me feel like i am in high school.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
A Break From the Serious
So, I just want to take a time out from all my serious posts and tell you about something that has completely made my morning.
Britney's new video. We all know she hasn't been in peak Britney form for awhile and her last few videos her dancing wasn't what it use to be....but this video, it is all fun and games and it doesn't take itself to seriously.
Things i love, that they are styling her a lot more rocker chick, with lots of rips and safety pins and studs, Crossroads 2: Cross Harder, robot battles.
It is just a fun goofy video that will make you smile.
Watch it!
Britney's new video. We all know she hasn't been in peak Britney form for awhile and her last few videos her dancing wasn't what it use to be....but this video, it is all fun and games and it doesn't take itself to seriously.
Things i love, that they are styling her a lot more rocker chick, with lots of rips and safety pins and studs, Crossroads 2: Cross Harder, robot battles.
It is just a fun goofy video that will make you smile.
Watch it!
Monday, June 20, 2011
Isolation in a crowd
I had a really great weekend. I love my family and seeing them, spending time with them really does make me feel better but i still feel off, out of sync. We are all laughing and having fun and then something clicks in my mind, someone says something completely harmless but it is like a sting to my heart because it triggers my reality. And although i am not suppose to...i am wallowing in my mood, wearing it around me like a cloak to keep myself separated from everyone. I still feel incredibly alone standing in a crowd. All those smiling faces and i wonder if they can see that mine isn't always real, that i have to force it sometimes. Why do I keep myself separate? Why do i force myself to smile and pretend to be happy when i am surrounded by people who love me and support me in everything i do?
Because my biggest fear, Ultimate biggest fear....that i will disappoint everyone, they will see me, crazy emotions and all and be disappointed i am not as fun or as chilled as people think I am. That i am a whole bag of neurotic fears and they are overwhelming and too much for someone to handle.
I find it so funny.....That i can write this all down here and have people read it but i don't like sharing in person.
I have always been a very open book, this is who i am and all that but to be completely honest, i am not so good at sharing my pain in person. I am an open book of feelings that i understand and can control...that don't make me seem weak or vulnerable. Pain, I don't like to talk about it with others...okay that is not exactly true, there is a time and a place to talk about it and it is not in large gatherings. So this weekend when i had those moments, i had to walk away or take some time to re-focus my thoughts. I never want to bring down the party with my sad crazy.
I loved seeing everyone and talking to everyone but my favourite part of the weekend had to be the peace i felt swinging in my hammock in my parents back yard.....i was able to fully relax, shut my brain off and stop worrying or putting pressure on myself for not having things worked out. I was completely in the moment and i was able to sleep.
Because my biggest fear, Ultimate biggest fear....that i will disappoint everyone, they will see me, crazy emotions and all and be disappointed i am not as fun or as chilled as people think I am. That i am a whole bag of neurotic fears and they are overwhelming and too much for someone to handle.
I find it so funny.....That i can write this all down here and have people read it but i don't like sharing in person.
I have always been a very open book, this is who i am and all that but to be completely honest, i am not so good at sharing my pain in person. I am an open book of feelings that i understand and can control...that don't make me seem weak or vulnerable. Pain, I don't like to talk about it with others...okay that is not exactly true, there is a time and a place to talk about it and it is not in large gatherings. So this weekend when i had those moments, i had to walk away or take some time to re-focus my thoughts. I never want to bring down the party with my sad crazy.
I loved seeing everyone and talking to everyone but my favourite part of the weekend had to be the peace i felt swinging in my hammock in my parents back yard.....i was able to fully relax, shut my brain off and stop worrying or putting pressure on myself for not having things worked out. I was completely in the moment and i was able to sleep.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
The cycle repeats and the song never changes
Why am I so negative. I believe that most people can do anything they want as long as they put their mind to it but not me....i don't believe in myself. How fucked up is that?
I went and spoke with a recruiter today, she was so nice and helpful but at the same time, I have learned that my skill set is very specific and not well rounded. And instead of looking for the silver lining, i got frustrated with myself, that i created this situation....the choices i made lead me to this moment and all i can see is a haze of negative things. I am not qualified, i won't find a job, i am not good enough.
But let's look at these choices, would i go back and change them? If given the opportunity would i change something about my life. No, i wouldn't change my choices.....i would change myself. I would ask myself to be braver and more confident and less scared.
It always comes back to fear. Me and fear...he's like the worst ex-boyfriend ever, always coming back and playing mind games with my head. If only i would believe in myself.
Believe in myself....simple concept but a whole lot of trouble for me. I don't think i am good enough, for work, for happiness, for love.....BUT WHY. Where did these thoughts come from? Why am i not good enough, where did that though even come from....where is the root of the self doubt. I find the root, i solve the problem.
I know i write this same post over and over again. I am scared, i want to find my passion but i can't. I am in the worst ground hogs day cycle ever!!!
I know this post is disjointed and has no flow but i write what i think and my thoughts are not flowing so good these days. I am depressed and I'm a drama queen. Those combinations lead to dramatic emotions and huge revelations but nothing ever changes....and i think that is what depresses me most.
I went and spoke with a recruiter today, she was so nice and helpful but at the same time, I have learned that my skill set is very specific and not well rounded. And instead of looking for the silver lining, i got frustrated with myself, that i created this situation....the choices i made lead me to this moment and all i can see is a haze of negative things. I am not qualified, i won't find a job, i am not good enough.
But let's look at these choices, would i go back and change them? If given the opportunity would i change something about my life. No, i wouldn't change my choices.....i would change myself. I would ask myself to be braver and more confident and less scared.
It always comes back to fear. Me and fear...he's like the worst ex-boyfriend ever, always coming back and playing mind games with my head. If only i would believe in myself.
Believe in myself....simple concept but a whole lot of trouble for me. I don't think i am good enough, for work, for happiness, for love.....BUT WHY. Where did these thoughts come from? Why am i not good enough, where did that though even come from....where is the root of the self doubt. I find the root, i solve the problem.
I know i write this same post over and over again. I am scared, i want to find my passion but i can't. I am in the worst ground hogs day cycle ever!!!
I know this post is disjointed and has no flow but i write what i think and my thoughts are not flowing so good these days. I am depressed and I'm a drama queen. Those combinations lead to dramatic emotions and huge revelations but nothing ever changes....and i think that is what depresses me most.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Reality
I am lying in bed staring at the moon and wondering when was the exact moment I started to disappear? The day Logan died? The day I stopped caring about doing my best at work? Or the day I agreed to that contract position at work?
In reality, the day I started to disappear was the first day I doubted myself. Every day I gave a bit of myself away with the doubt.
How could I give so much of myself away that I am barely held together, I am breaking apart.
But what is it they always say - what does kill u makes you stronger, everything happens for a reason or some other platitude that is designed to make you feel better but almost never does.
While here's what I can tell you. Half the time I am so sad I can barely keep myself from crying. The other half I am so mad I just want to punch something. And then there are moments...like this one where you see everything so clearly and with that clarity you have hope.
But I always learn my best lessons under pressure and here's what I have learned. True friends never disappoint. Family will always have your back. And if someone doesn't support you then fuck them.
Here's my life story - I'm 30, I will be unemployed in less than a month, my cat died tragically and I have no life plan. But I will get back up I will move forward and I will succeed. I tell this to myself everyday because if I don't remind myself I could very well become depressed and accept things as they are and even though I am on the edge, I WILL keep fighting.
The moon tonight was enough to remind me to fight another day.
In reality, the day I started to disappear was the first day I doubted myself. Every day I gave a bit of myself away with the doubt.
How could I give so much of myself away that I am barely held together, I am breaking apart.
But what is it they always say - what does kill u makes you stronger, everything happens for a reason or some other platitude that is designed to make you feel better but almost never does.
While here's what I can tell you. Half the time I am so sad I can barely keep myself from crying. The other half I am so mad I just want to punch something. And then there are moments...like this one where you see everything so clearly and with that clarity you have hope.
But I always learn my best lessons under pressure and here's what I have learned. True friends never disappoint. Family will always have your back. And if someone doesn't support you then fuck them.
Here's my life story - I'm 30, I will be unemployed in less than a month, my cat died tragically and I have no life plan. But I will get back up I will move forward and I will succeed. I tell this to myself everyday because if I don't remind myself I could very well become depressed and accept things as they are and even though I am on the edge, I WILL keep fighting.
The moon tonight was enough to remind me to fight another day.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Logan
The day i went to pick out my cats, i went to this tiny basement apartment with a co-worker in Brampton or oakville, i can't remember where...i just remember sitting down on the floor to look at all the kittens and this tiny little black kitten crawled into my lap and made himself at home. From that moment on, he was mine...my little LoganBear. He was like my shadow, he would follow me everywhere he could...he would even lie in front of the door when he knew i was leaving the apartment.
Why am i telling you this....so you understand....exactly what he meant to me. I may have complained a lot about the 'destructo kitties' but that never stopped me from loving them....more than anyone.
The day i lost Logan was just like any other day...i was grumpy because steph was making me go for a run. Logan did his regular thing, lying in front of the door, so i threw a crumpled up piece of paper for him to chase....the last memory, happy memory, i have of him is him looking at me with that paper ball in his mouth as i shut the door. After the run, i got home and opened the door, Logan didn't meet me at the door which was strange because he always does but Remy was there. I went into the bedroom calling for Logan...asking Remy where he was hiding. I figured he was just hiding, so i started to make breakfast....while cooking i looked over and that's when i saw it....a big rip in the screen. My stomach just dropped. I always told him to be careful of the windows.
I ran downstairs and out to the back parking lot....i found him in a puddle. He was still alive and in so much pain. His little body all broken. I don't remember a lot after that....I can tell you he died on the way to the animal hospital. They asked me if i wanted his ashes...but all i could think about was 'where would i put it that Remy wouldn't knock it over and get into it'...but i didn't want to just leave with nothing...so they took an impression of his paw. I carry the paw print in my purse....eventually i will get his paw tattooed on me so i always have him close to me, my little shadow.
I sat in that little room and blamed myself....why didn't i shut the window, what if i was home 10 minutes earlier, why didn't i take better care of him.
I blamed myself for a very long time. It took me a week to be able to open my windows again...and even now, i don't feel comfortable leaving my windows open when i am not home.
My family....they were my rock, they held me together when i felt like i was falling apart. I have come very long way from that day....May 15th. To even be able to write this down. It is progress.
Every night i sleep a little bit longer, every day i am a little less sad.
I want to get blogging again...i have things to talk about but i felt like i needed to write this post before i do anything else.
Me and heather have a garden we started in the middle of the forest, right near where we use to walk Radar. It was originally intended as a memorial for Radar, but Heather has very nicely decided to make it a Logan memorial as well. We are making our own memorial plates to put there. I am glad i will have a place to go to always remember my shadow.
If anyone would like to visit our garden, i encourage you to go by and plant some flowers.
Why am i telling you this....so you understand....exactly what he meant to me. I may have complained a lot about the 'destructo kitties' but that never stopped me from loving them....more than anyone.
The day i lost Logan was just like any other day...i was grumpy because steph was making me go for a run. Logan did his regular thing, lying in front of the door, so i threw a crumpled up piece of paper for him to chase....the last memory, happy memory, i have of him is him looking at me with that paper ball in his mouth as i shut the door. After the run, i got home and opened the door, Logan didn't meet me at the door which was strange because he always does but Remy was there. I went into the bedroom calling for Logan...asking Remy where he was hiding. I figured he was just hiding, so i started to make breakfast....while cooking i looked over and that's when i saw it....a big rip in the screen. My stomach just dropped. I always told him to be careful of the windows.
I ran downstairs and out to the back parking lot....i found him in a puddle. He was still alive and in so much pain. His little body all broken. I don't remember a lot after that....I can tell you he died on the way to the animal hospital. They asked me if i wanted his ashes...but all i could think about was 'where would i put it that Remy wouldn't knock it over and get into it'...but i didn't want to just leave with nothing...so they took an impression of his paw. I carry the paw print in my purse....eventually i will get his paw tattooed on me so i always have him close to me, my little shadow.
I sat in that little room and blamed myself....why didn't i shut the window, what if i was home 10 minutes earlier, why didn't i take better care of him.
I blamed myself for a very long time. It took me a week to be able to open my windows again...and even now, i don't feel comfortable leaving my windows open when i am not home.
My family....they were my rock, they held me together when i felt like i was falling apart. I have come very long way from that day....May 15th. To even be able to write this down. It is progress.
Every night i sleep a little bit longer, every day i am a little less sad.
I want to get blogging again...i have things to talk about but i felt like i needed to write this post before i do anything else.
Me and heather have a garden we started in the middle of the forest, right near where we use to walk Radar. It was originally intended as a memorial for Radar, but Heather has very nicely decided to make it a Logan memorial as well. We are making our own memorial plates to put there. I am glad i will have a place to go to always remember my shadow.
If anyone would like to visit our garden, i encourage you to go by and plant some flowers.
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