Blah

I am feeling yucky today.  You know when you are on the precipice of sickness but you are working to battle it back.  That is where i am right now.  not feeling good, headache and throat starting to close off...but i am not there yet.  So, it is time to battle the illness and take everything that prevents sickness, echienacia, vitamin c, cold fx....the whole shebang.
Normally i love days like this...rainy and dark...makes me want to be all cozy and stuff.  but instead all i want to do is get into bed and sleep.

Also, i bought leggings from Ardenes....2 for 20 and seriously....they are like the most comfortable tights ever....slightly fuzzy on the inside and thick enough that i could wear them as pants, if i wanted but wouldn't.  Anyways...i need more pairs!  I also want black jegging/pants to wear to work.

Those are the updates of the day.  Also i am feeling like crap but i am forcing myself to go to the toning class tonight.  I must keep up my routine.

Mirror Games

I have always been very hard on myself.  Even after all this work i have been doing to be more positive, i look in the mirror sometimes and all i see is my flaws, not my strengths. 
I am trying something new.  I thought of it in yoga yesterday, lying there at the end of the class, clearing my mind and i had a eureka moment.  Why am i forcing myself to fit, why am i obsessing about people that don't notice me, why is the only thing i see when i get dressed is how large my stomach is? 

So, from now on, i am going to work very hard, and i know i say this a lot and i can be a complete broken record when it comes to trying to be less hard on myself.....and that little voice never goes away.  But for now....when i look in the mirror, i am going to think of 3 things that I like about myself.  That way maybe when i look in the mirror there will be positive thoughts only.  Not all negative, i hate how i look thinking 'if only i was skinnier'  Then feeling bad about myself and then eating chips because it wasn't like i am ever going to get skinny anyways.  It is a vicious cycle and i get stuck in it all the time.  But here's the deal.  It's not something that i will be able to just stop doing.  This takes time and effort.  Which i am working on. 
Step 1. Get back into an exercise routine - CHECK starting week 3 of routine
Step 2. Start bringing a healthy lunch option - 50/50...i am bringing maybe like 3 times a week
Step 3. Breakfast - FAIL
Step 4. Mirror Game

DUDE!

Okay, so i would say, i am in the realm of fit.  I can run 5km.  I do boot camp once a week.  And with all that, i still get winded going up the three flights of stairs at my subway station.  I mean really....i can handle getting my butt handed to me once a week but can't walk up 3 measly flights of stairs without getting winded.

Another thing.....last night boot camp class was strength....i was still recovering from the toning class on Tuesday.  Which means, my arms officially hate me and we aren't friends.  Damn arms.

What are everyone's plans for the weekend? I am quite excited because Steph has agreed to let me take her shopping for new work clothes...so excited.  And then my friend Kat is putting up her Christmas tree and i asked if she was christmasing up her place and she was like 'i don't know maybe' and now we are making an evening of it on Saturday evening.  YAY CHRISTMAS.

Dancing

Guess what, Telus has a commercial right now....i am sure you all know it.  I don't care about the commercial, it is the music played in it that makes me dance.  I have to dance to it every time the commercial is on.  Sometimes i make Remy dance with me.

That is all that is new with me today.

Arm Unevenness

So, Tuesday night i now go to this sculpt class for upper body toning.  And i have learned i have decidedly uneven arms.  My left arm is significantly weaker than my right....so significant that you can see a muscle on the right arm and see nothing on the left. 

I am going to need to work a lot harder to get my left arm up to par.  And then maybe one day i can show people my guns aka arm muscles.
The only problem with the sculpt class is i can't hold my arms very high up today without being in pain.  But i should take a moment to recognize the superstar of our class.  Steph has some serious arms right now.  It is so impressive.  She has been doing the sculpt class for awhile now.

Again, i can't wait for next weekend or the weekend after, it is going to be family paloza.  I don't really have any plans for this weekend.  I think i will knit and maybe do some baking.  Maybe i will clean my apartment so if people want to come over next weekend, it will be okay.

Got Game?

Okay.....me and Amy went out for dinner on Friday night and i was catching her up on my week, telling her about the progress with my work crush (zero progress) and brainstorming what to do about it.  That brought up the topic of game.  Amy being a big relationship girl and me being a long time single girl...you would think between the two of us we could come up with a decent plan.  But here's the issue.  I cannot transition from friend to more than friend.  I don't have that ability...i don't know how to do it.  And i don't think the way to go is just be like 'hey let's go out on a date' because well, i work with him for one and second...i am way way WAY too awkward and chicken shit for that approach. 
This got me thinking, how do you get game, are some people naturally blessed with game or do they have to practice?  And how do you practice, what sort of things should you practice?  And i don't want so much game that i become a player...i just want enough game that i can ask a guy out without being all awkward.  I need someone to practice on.
In reality...i just want someone who will like me for exactly who i am and appreciate all my quirks and weirdness.  I want someone who will take me to the drive in and make out with me.  I want someone who won't judge my messiness but who i will want to keep things tidy for. 
Damn it...i have gone off topic and i swore to you guys i would keep my boy crazy rants down to a minimum.  I don't want to be seen as that girl...the one desperate for a relationship, the one who will settle for the first guy that shows interest.  But i also tried POF and it wasn't for me...i don't have the patience to put up with all the weirdos to find the good guys. 
I worry that i have created unrealistic expectations for myself.  That i am always waiting for that sign to know when it will be the right time.  I am worried that i have waited too long, that i have put too much stock in signs, that i will always be too scared to take that chance.  I am worried that i will always be attracted to unattainable guys.
Sorry...i have completely rambled off topic but i apparently needed to get introspective and tell you all my relationship fears again. 
It is so weird saying this out loud because i have always been very certain that i didn't need it but...I really do want to fall in love.

PS.  I painted my nails last night and i got distracted and now one hand has silver crackle over purple polish and the other hand is just purple.  Do you think i can tell people it's on purpose?

Progress Made!

So, you know how i was all "i really need to get my exercising back on track".  Well guess who has been all exercisey this week, run and yoga Sunday, rest Monday, and sculpting upper body on Tuesday.  I have my weekly run tonight. and boot camp tomorrow night.  That means, i will have exercised like all week.  The sculpt class is a great addition, i really need it...and i think i may add the legs sculpt in on Saturday mornings but dude...i am so proud of me, this is a great schedule to help me get back on track.
But here's something i will need to look at, my good life member....all these exercises this week and not once to good life.  But will i use the membership more when it gets cold.  I need a gym facilities so i can work out...and running in the cold, not my favourite thing.  Plus the good life just around the corner from my work is perfect for getting some cardio in.  I should go to the classes but i hate the amount of people there are vs the amount of space available.  But i would love to get a regular body flow class on my schedule as well as a body combat or step class...i enjoy both.  I just need to find the time to fit it into my schedule...i am thinking Mondays and Fridays or maybe Tuesdays at lunch...who knows.

Side note, i found a present perfect for Alex, that's right Alex...i found something i think you may love!  It involves harry potter and jewelry.  If you want to buy her a present, contact me.

The Party to launch the Christmas Season

So, now that most people are coming to T.O. for the Santa run, me and Amy have decided to host a fancy cocktail party that Saturday night.  I am so excited, we are all going to get dressed up and have cocktails and appetizers and Christmas music.  It will be wonderful.

In other news, i kick started my week yesterday with lots and lots of exercise.  It is just what i needed to get back on the exercise train.  I will be in super shape for all the party dresses i want to wear this Christmas.  I started my day off yesterday with some Yoga, it was good, i haven't yoga'ed in awhile and i needed a good stretching out.  Then i moved onto a run with my new running team, Katherine and Matt.  I thought it was going to be a light 5km run...it turned into a very long 7km run.  But we finished it and although my legs are pretty sore today.  Yoga and a run...it feels like i am finally back on track! 
Oh, i also saw my monkeys on Saturday, we played in the leaves.  It was so much fun, when was the last time you just played in the leaves.  We chased each other, threw leaves at each other, and even did leaf angels.  I encourage you all to go play in the leaves before it gets too cold.

YAY Rings!

So, i don't know if i told you guys but i bought two rings, a florescent orange lightning bolt and a big red bow.  I love them both...they are amazing and make me very happy.

Then i went shopping yesterday with Amy because there is a work-outing on Friday and as a social opportunity to interact with my work crush.  (okay i know i wasn't going to talk about boys anymore but this is sort of more fashion related).  As you know, i need an outfit for every occasion and this occasion is an 'i need to look hot but not slutty or skanky'.  It is a more of a goal to always look my best.

But tradegy struck....work crush is not going to the work outing.  i will not be able to make myself look more awesome than that person that he may or may not be dating.  Oh well.  I still went out shopping yesterday with Amy and got this awesome green dress.  it is a little on the short side and i think it may smoochy my boobs a little too much but seriously it is an awesome dress.  My theory was, look awesome, feel awesome.  That is my theory all the time.  Especially when i am starting to feel sick.  like being fashionable can ward off illness.  Which in my experience hasn't really happened yet..but i keep trying.

Okay...what was the point of this post???? Ummm...oh yah, new rings and a new dress.  yay clothes.

Oh and i won't be able to work my man mojo (not that i really have any) with WC tomorrow at the work outing.  Maybe before i find myself a guy, i should actually develop some moves because i have been thinking about it and i am always stuck in the friend zone, because i never know how to move out of that zone...it is like my curse and talent...i can make friends with almost anyone but i can never get a guy to see me as anything more.  Maybe it is because i don't advertise the fact that i am looking for more and maybe because i am oblivious when someone wants more.  But here's the difference between new me and old me, new me is open to a relationship...i use to be so anti relationship.
I know i said i wouldn't talk guys anymore....so ignore that last paragraph and listen to this....i did my first big colour change pattern on my sweater last night....it looks awesome.  I must say, i am a complete natural at this sweater knitting thing.  I have like 1/16th completed!  and i have only been working on it for a week.  I want to be wearing it by Christmas!

Sweater of Awesomeness!!!

So, how was everyone's weekend?  Mine was good.  Full of fun and happiness....mom helped me get started on the sweater i am knitting.  It is looking awesome, although i have gotten to the hard part and i am not to sure how to do the colour changing mid-row so i have watched some you tube videos and have some general ideas about how to do it.  But i am truthfully scared to try it and screw up my sweater.  I want to make this sweater and have it turn out great.  If it does, then i can make others sweaters....granted that statement really depends on how hard it is to actually make a sweater.  Then only the most important will get sweaters.

I think the most exciting thing of all.  My crafty senses are returning.  I have a bunch of clothes i was going to get rid of and all the sudden i am having ideas on how to alter them to make them more awesome.  I feel like my creativity block has been unblocked.

Maybe i can get over my guy obsession....work crush it seems may be dating someone.  Although i am still of the firm belief that he may be secretly digging me.  either that or he is just really friendly and i am mis-reading the signs...which is completely possible.  But whatever it is...i am just putting it on the back burner and i am now going to focus on crafting.  that and exercise.  Time to get back into the shape.  I have decided i want to lose at least 20 pounds.

So now, instead of blog posts constantly about boys...i am going to talk a lot about health and craft. 
Step 1: Finish my sweater and replace the zipper in my dress
Step 2: Hardcore cleanse then exercise like crazy.

When is enough enough?

So what is the moment that you decide enough is enough?  Do you let things slide when he tries to defend your ex to you when he is suppose to be your best friend and this ex treated you like dirt? Do you let things slide when he doesn't talk to you for months? Do you let things slide when your cat dies and you don't hear a single word from him? Do you let things slide when he has a birthday party, doesn't invite you but invites that ex that treated you like dirt? 
I let a lot slide and i always forgave, i was always understanding.  But I am done.  I am sure i had some blame in the relationship fail because a friendship doesn't just fall apart without both parties giving up. 

My moment...the moment i gave up, when i forgave him for being absent after Logan....i pretended that i believed that he sent me text messages with his condolences.  But i didn't believe him because i knew he didn't send them...i knew that he had no idea what to say and felt too awkward about the whole thing so he ignored it until he was confronted by it.  I forgave him and i moved on but it wasn't the same. 

Now to find out that him and my stupid ex still hang out....this is the guy that made me cry in public...on the subway.  That is unforgivable.  I make it a goal of mine to not cry in public and to not be the weird person on the ttc.  This is the guy that dumped me by just not talking to me any more....like i just ceased to exist.  he didn't tell me he didn't want to see me anymore he just stopped returning my texts.  Then when i see him 3 months later, he treats me like a great friend and there was nothing wrong between us at all.  Those are the actions of a self absorbed asshole and those are the actions of not a nice person. 
But of course my friend defends him to me, he's a nice guy, you just don't understand his baggage.  He may have baggage, we all have baggage but that doesn't give him the right to treat other people like crap.  That doesn't excuse him. 
Me and my friend have had this issue since me and the jackass separated.  I am not telling him he can't be friends with jackass but i don't understand it at all...and since i though i meant more to him i sort of expected that i came before jackass in the hierarchy of friends.
Okay where was i going with this before my giant rant.  For jackass to be there for his birthday drinks and for me to not even get an invite, it infuriates me.  I forgave a lot of things and this may not even be a big deal to most people...There could be a lot of easy things to explain it away, they could of ended up at the same bar, it could have been completely unplanned but here's the thing - i don't care.  I am hurt and it is the straw that broke the friendship.  I am tired of excuses and lame explanations that i forgive half heartily.  I am tired of it all. 

And this may be mean and bitchy and overly dramatic but I accept that.  When this first issue came up he told me i could never tell him who he can or can't be friends with and i will never tell him that, i believe in free will and the right to choose for yourself. 

So friend - I will never tell you that you can't be friends with this guy and i will never try to control you but i will never understand your choice to remain friends with him and i will never understand or not be hurt at the fact that he was a your birthday thing and i wasn't (even if it was an unplanned thing, i do own a phone, you do have the number).

It will take a miracle to repair the damage to our friendship and i am completely out of hope.

Why?

When i want something....i usually go for it, both guns blazing.  but then again...most things i want are clothing and fashion related. 
So now, why can't I as Alex says 'nut up'? Why am i so terrified to approach another person and ask them to share a drink with me? 

Okay....i am giving myself a deadline to be all flirty and cute with him and maybe actually ask him out.  God...who really knows. 

He is probably not even interested and i kind of feel like i should give up.  but that is my negativity talking and i have lots of negativity. 
Are you ready to yell at me......okay here is what i am thinking...why would he even be interested in me..there are like a million hotter girls than me in this office...and he has his choice of girls...he is a hot commodity. 
Okay...negativity said out loud.  I feel like i can conquer my negativity if i say it out loud.  once it is said out loud, it has less power over me.  Although....guys terrify me.  they have way more power over me than they should.  I do not exercise smart guy choices.

Wake Up

I have been having trouble waking up in the morning.  And not the regular, i hate getting up, snooze the alarm regular trouble.  It is more like i didn't sleep at all, i am so exhausted i struggle to keep my eyes open trouble.  Which seems strange to me.  I guess i am getting low on my B12 again.  Although to be completely honest, i keep forgetting to take my pill so i am not surprised that i am exhausted again.  I am also starting to get back into a routine.  My goal is to wear that black dress i wore to Alex's wedding and look super awesome.  There is a united way end of campaign event in January plus i am sure there will be Christmas parties i will need to dress up for and right now i put on all my dresses and look so fat.  I hate how fat i look in them.  And i am sure i don't actually look fat but in my head I look fat. 

My friend sent me a book that apparently encourages instead of a diet that you fast at least once a week.  So every week you don't eat for 24 hours.  She says it is a great way to stay on track diet wise.  I personally want to try a cleanse again but as you know i normally fail after like a day.  So that is not the best plan.

I really just need to get my eating under control....i still make it to the gym frequently but not as much as i would like.

Also, i was re-acquainted with someone i knew when i was young and idealistic.  She kept asking me about my crafts and if i still made things.  I was embarrassed to say no.  I hardly ever make my own clothes any more, i rarely finish a craft project, i don't make my own jewelry.  Where did all my ambitions go to make and sell my stuff....where did my mayhem plan go? 
I mean for once, i am finally happy at work but in my struggle to get financially stable as well as fulfilled in my work, i left behind my creativity.
Why?
It all comes down to that inferiority complex i have.  Why would anyone buy something i make, i am not as creative as others, i am not as talented as others......Shut up stupid voice.  How is it that i am so astute to all my crazy issues, i can identify them all but i never manage to change any of them.  Or change comes very slowly.  Why can i never take a giant leap of faith. 

It's like boys....why can't i just walk up to the guy i am crushing on and be like dude i think you are cute, let's go out on a date.  First of all....i probably shouldn't call him dude.  don't think that works and then second of all maybe i should say i like you instead of you are cute.  But i have some sort of weird girl notion of a guy should do the asking because....well....i am chicken and i am usually pretty stupid when it comes to guys and i miss all the signs....and why would he even like me anyways. 
Dude, i really need to get over my insecurity.  I also need to stop saying DUDE so much!