Shocking Realisation

I went out for half priced wings last night with a few co-workers and they were delicious.  During the evening it was decided that i am a girlie girl.  And that weirded me out, i have NEVER considered myself a girlie girl...i high school i wore a lot of army print, most of my friends were guys.  But thinking about it, i have somehow become a major girlie girl.....when did that happen?
I talk about clothes and shoes all the time, i never go without nail polish, i am up on new make up trends...i could go on...but really i some how went from baggy army surplus to skinny army fashion jeans. 

Even now...with all that evidence, i still don't consider myself a girlie girl. I have this weird view of girlie girls, like they hate dirt and everything has to be perfectly manicured, imagine a perfectly manicured preppy girl...and that is who i see as a girlie girl.  I am not like that at all.  I am messy and loud and crazy and immature.....some how in my mind that doesn't equal girlie girl. 

So i am letting you who know me best vote, am i a girlie girl or not?

Manamama

So....guess who finally saw The Muppet movie this weekend.....and loved it.  I will now only travel by map, It's quicker!
Actually i had a great weekend....i spent Saturday with Amy wandering Roncy, i got my polish donut, it was good but i built it up in my head too much so it didn't wow me like i thought it would. But it was a great afternoon, we enjoyed a movie and the walk...and the tea and gossip. 
Then because i am super popular, i had evening plans as well.  Me and Katherine enjoyed sushi and the new 90210. It's on netflixs right now...so we are starting from the beginning and we will be marathoning our way through all the seasons!!!! 
I did eat myself to a dark place.....so much sushi!  Then after i entered the dark place...i kept eating...I couldn't help it...the roll was just sitting there, unfinished taunting me. 

Now i want to take a little time and talk about the dresses at the oscars.....was it just me or did everyone dress boring.  Nothing stood out to me and everything seemed kind of blah.  I did not see on dress that made me go wow!

*Sock Bun Update*
So i tried again this weekend to do the fancier sock bun but my hair is just way too layered and the ends wouldn't tuck...then i had a huge argument with the sock and my hair...and we all agreed it was best to take a break.  Then i tried again later but the non-fancy way...which worked okay but my head got all itchy from the tightness of the bun and the hair kept separating and showing the sock. 
Today my friend showed me her sock bun and it looks awesome..she did it the fancy way and everything.  She told me the key was to get your hair really dirty and then it won't slide or move or anything.I am okay with getting my hair all dirty but at the same time...i can't live with my bangs that dirty...so i am going to have to figure out a compromise. 

Lost with Age?

For fun i have been re-reading my older posts, to see what i wrote about and what kind of tone my blog has.  I was quite funny back then.  Much funnier than i am now.  It was like as i got older, i started to become more whiny and emotional and less hilarious. 
I know it is quite lame to laugh at yourself...but dude, there were a few where i just bust out laugh...obviously because i am a comedic genius......or i should say was a comedic genius because now all i do is whine about life and boys.  Well forget that....i am going back to the youthful innocence of two years ago....before i turned 30 and became an old fuddy duddy!
All i need to do is just re-discover my youth.   Which will be hard because i already act my maturity level and not my age....i wear jewelry that could be mistaken for kids jewelry and i secretly....well not so secretly enjoy family channel movies and cartoons.  All that seems like i am like 12. 

Anyways....two more buttons fell off my jacket yesterday.  I will have to re-sew them again for the 3rd time.  I really need to find that like unbreakable tread...or start this new trend where no one buttons up there coat and it is awesomely stylish to have lost a few buttons on your coat.

I also learned that not only was tuesday 'fat tuesday or pancake tuesday' it was actually paczki day which is basically a polish donut.  I didn't know about a day that celebrates donuts????? that seems like my education in life is seriously lacking.  Well rest assured i will always celebrate paczki day from now on!

Songs in my head

So, i went to red lobster last night and ate a lot....so much that like 14 hours later, i am still so full that i feel yucky.  I am telling you, i feel really off today, headache and stomach ache....boo.
I also didn't feel like getting up today and shower so i tried a sock bun...my first sock bun in public.  It is not my favourite...in fact i am not too happy with it...i couldn't get the ends to behave properly...and i found a video that shows you how to make it work when you have layered hair...but here's the problem...i am relatively new to long hair and i have never had a reason to do more to my hair then pull it back in a pony tail.  Now that i am branching out, the instructional videos all reference bobby pins.  So i went out and bought some bobby pins and hair elastics that actually match my hair colour.  But i am just not great at using bobby pins...i don't know how or where to put them in my hair to get them to stay..in all the videos they make the use of bobby pins look super easy.  It is not super easy!!!  I guess i will have to keep practicing...and maybe make a better donut...skinnier so i can roll my hair more and really get it tucked in.  That way all the fly aways won't fly away and my need for bobby pins will be minimal.

Anyways....in other news, i have a Carly Rae song stuck in my head...there is a video of the biebs and his friends dancing around lip syncing to the song and it kind of makes me love the biebs and his friends.  Normally i want nothing to do with that team because well....i am not 12.  But this dancing around and lip syncing is something i do all the time so i can identify with them. 
I may now be singing the song all day long.

Blah Confession

So, i must confess that i am not very motivated right now.....to do much of anything.  I seemed to have got the winter blahs.  I better get back to taking my B12 and sunshine vitamins.  I woke up this morning and all i wanted to do was go back to sleep.  I have tons of work to do today and instead i am writing this blog.  I really need to get organized.
Also today is pancake Tuesday....and i am thinking of giving something up for lent.  I haven't done it in awhile but i think it would be a great exercise.  I am going to give up chips for lent i think.  I am deciding if i should go the full junk food or just chips because they are my big weakness.  I haven't really tested my willpower in a long time....so it is time to give it a work out.

The Sock Bun

Okay, i am not even going to get in the drama of the family visit.  It has already been too dissected and analysed and my guilt levels were out of control.  I will say that, i am 31 one and i regressed to a teenager this weekend, which can be fun on some levels, other things are best left behind.  Anyways....on to the SOCK BUN. 
so remember weeks ago i wrote about how i mastered the bun.....well people, apparently it was a one day skill.  I have been trying for weeks and it has just been failure after failure.  So then Alex was all haven't you ever tried the sock bun and i was all what's a sock bun....she told me to google it....well Bing it which is i guess the new google but i am not ready for Bing....i am remaining loyal to google.

Anyways...i googled it today and taught myself how to do it.....there are two ways, one is messy and one is all sleek and fancy.  I tried all day to do the sleek bun because i like the look better but my hair just has way too many layers for it to work.  But the messy one works just as good all i need to do is get some bobby pins to secure my ends...they stick out at crazy angles.  I am going to keep you updated on this bun situation but i can't tell you how much i enjoy having my hair all up and off my neck. and it holds all day long...the sock donut gives the elastic something more substantial to hold on to and my hair isn't all sliding out. 

Sooooo Glad

I am so happy it is Friday....it has been a week! which is to say a lot because most of the office was out at an off site!  But drama happened, which i couldn't avoid....partly my fault partly an over reactive third party.  But all i really want right now is to get away from the drama and relax....and let go of this week and move on to happier things.  Like seeing the family this weekend! Picking out a fancy new outfit for Ryan (i love shopping!!) Hanging out with Amy.  Lots of positive things to do this weekend.

I am also starting to get prepped for things to come.  It is time to start thinking forward.  I only have 4 and a half more months in this job and as much as i was hoping to be kept on.....i have to be realistic.  Jobs haven't come up within the organization and my manager told me yesterday the only way she could keep me is if someone quit.  So there will be no space for me here as of July.  Dad keeps telling me to believe that it will all work out and it will and i have been not worrying at all just figuring everything will work out...but after the talk with my manager yesterday, i am feeling less positive.  I didn't have the heart to tell my dad that conversation because he is so certain i am getting a permanent job here.  So reality check....let's update my resume and start applying.  I want something permanent finally but i want something like i have here, acceptance, support, and a positive team environment.  Writing this actually makes me feel a little sad.
A friend was telling me i should look into working and travelling overseas because she thinks i need a change of scenery to 'jumpstart my life' aka meet foreign men.  Which i like the idea of travelling but being so far away from everyone i love....i just don't think i am built that way.  But....8 years in the work force and i haven't found permanence yet...so maybe i do need a change of scene.

Okay okay.....let's just go back to being positive.....it is going to be a great weekend!

Punishment

I ran 8 km last night....and during that run, my Achilles heel started cramping.  I am going to need to start stretching it like crazy!  But i have ran 3 times in the last like week and a half so i am quite proud of myself.  This health and fitness thing is hard work.  I feel like i am punishing myself with health.  Running and boot camp and breakfast....all things i don't enjoy.  Breakfast is the worst!  I have moved past yogurt and frozen fruit...it just didn't work out.  Now i am eating Lara Bars which is easy to do...because it is just a granola bar but they are expensive! 
Tonight is my off night but then i have yoga tomorrow boot camp Thursday and i will have to get up and run Saturday morning or hit the gym.  I have to keep working at this.....i want to be able to look in the mirror and not obsess about how big my stomach is.....but at the same time....DUDE i love chips and all forms of junk food!  So to balance things out....kill myself with exercise so i can enjoy food.  Not really the best balance but what are you going to do? i don't want to give up junk food and i don't want to get fat...so the solution is exercise.  I also have to sign up for the sporting life which i will be running this year.

In other news i apparently earned a pension at my old job....which i now need to transfer into my rrsp's.  So i did that today...and good news people...another like 25 years and maybe i will get to retire!

Things I learned

Me and my 2 year old niece have the same taste in jewelry.....i prefer to think that is because we both have excellent fashion sense and not because i like kids jewelry.
I had a great weekend! I spent Saturday with my 3 favourite people, Andrea, Ally, & Brady.....we went to the mall, and then we played and watched movies.  Ally dressed in a princess outfit for the mall.  I was apparently her prince.  Then i was in charge of the monkeys while mom, dad, Wylie and Andrea went out for dinner.  It was great, we at swiss chalet and watched movies...and Brady informed me what would happen before it happened so i was prepared for any surprises.  Describing it to you guys doesn't make it sound exciting but it was a great day because i love those kids a crazy amount.  Everything they do makes me laugh.
Sunday I enjoyed a nice relaxing day of Yoga, a big walk, some Dawson's Creek, and an afternoon nap.  I also cleaned my kitchen made a delicious dinner and prepared for the week to come. 

This weekend coming up is Mike's Play.  We are going to have a great time.  I am doing laundry tonight...and will be picking out my outfit to wear.  I have a general idea of what i am going to wear....my brown high heeled boots, now i normally wear my lace up army boots on the weekend but i think the brown ankle boots are adorable and i love wearing them.  I am going to plan my entire outfit around them....brown ankle boots...grey skinny jeans, off white tiered top.....sweater i am not sure yet, and bright multi coloured plastic bracelets.  or....i can wear this forest green top instead of the white one.....i can wear my blue elbow patch sweater...but that will go better with the white top.....decisions decisions decisions. 

What's the Deal?

So i purchased an itunes album this week.....it was the sound track to Scott Pilgrim vs The World.  I love the movie and the music in it is awesome but after i paid and downloaded it from itunes, half the songs stop at random points in the song, and i know it's not the end of the song but no more music plays.....and one song is 4 minutes of silence...which i know isn't right. So now i am going to have to contact itunes and be like what's the deal with your crappy service.  Hopefully things will work out.

So i had a strangely relaxing evening last night, after boot camp, i came home relaxed in a bath and did a face mask.  I was feeling so relaxed that i fell asleep right away. 

So i don't have much exciting on the social calendar right now....well except Mike's play.  That will be fun....although i think everyone is staying in oakville again so i will have to figure out how i am getting there and home, or if i should just bite the bullet and stay in oakville with the rest of the family.  I just don't know if i can justify the expense of a hotel room when i can just as easy take the go home.  I can justify a lot of things....but that is clothes related items....by the way....i wanted a bunny sweater from h&m and they sold out before i had a chance to buy so i bought a star sweater to cheer me up....and maybe another elbow patch sweater....and a heart necklace with a rainbow on it.....and some big plastic rainbow coloured bangles. 
Anyways.....i am excited for the family visit.  but i also really want to go out dancing.  I miss dancing and i haven't had a good dance in awhile....so i am going to try to organize a dancing night out.

Transit Rant Below

I take the TTC everyday....and i can put up with all the regular ttc issues.  But last night.....this drove me crazy.  So you know the 3 seater.....and how everyone hates the middle seat...i was in the first of the 3 seater and there was a person in seat #3 and then middle seat was open.  Now i believe that everyone should try to sit as small as possible in the seats on the ttc, you know, be considerate of others.....but last night this guy sat in the middle seat and then spread his legs so wide and kept his arms out....basically taking up as much space as possible.
Okay DUDE.....i know you need ball space and all that....but seriously, look around...guys have found a way to sit and maintain crush free zone without taking up a crazy amount of space.  So sitting beside this guy i was basically crushed into the wall....this dude took up his full seat and half of the seat on each side.  And he wasn't a big guy or anything...he just sat like he deserved all that space.  And then when i got up to get off....he gave me a dirty look for taking up too much space.   And when everyone got off at St George....our 3 seated friend, left...and instead of politely moving to the 3 seat to create more space...he stayed in the middle seat....just spread out even more if that is possible.

All i am saying is DUDE....some consideration for the other ttc riders is like rule number one of not getting voodoo cursed.

The other thing that drives me crazy on the ttc, is when waiting on the platform....and i know the platform can be crowded, but don't stand directly in front of someone.....i mean really....just think....would you like someone standing directly in front of you....i don't think so....so think about it and move like 3 inches to the left or right..and then you won't be directly in front of a person...and she won't feel closed in and slightly claustrophobic.

This has been your ttc announcements for the day.

Lickidy Split Lime

Is the colour of my new favourite nail polish.  It is a bold green obviously in the lime family.  I did my nails last night.  I am really enjoying my nails today.

As for my post yesterday......ALEX, I love you!  And i am trying very hard to stay confident and positive but we all slip up sometimes.

I went for a run last night, with Matt and Katherine.....it helped clear my head.  And helps to talk to someone experiencing the same things....this year is a happy year.....this year is a tin-centric year. 

So, i went to this restaurant in the Royal York Saturday for winterlicious....it is called Benihanna and i loved it.  They cook at your table and do all this fancy knife skills and stuff.  I think i was the only one out of our group that loved every minute of it. 
That is what i am going to do from now on.....do things that i love....interwoven with exercise and stupid running.  I have run twice now in the last 3 days....it was rough.  Tonight i am going to do some weights.  I need to get back into shape because that was the last time i felt confident....also i made a pact with one of my co-workers to support each other in our weight loss....and once we reach our goal we are going to get tattoos together.  I still haven't got Logan's memorial tattoo and i still really want it......so it is a great idea to work towards it.

This is my Confession

So......i am not as cool and collected as i pretend to be.  I am not as all together as i say i am.  I am apparently still judging myself for being single.

Let's face it, we all have set backs in our efforts to be well adjusted adults.  For me it always seems...one step forward (two Saturday nights ago) two steps back (last Friday).
It was a good bye party...i was feeling happy and confident and have fun.  Work crush was flirting with me and everything was looking up......then my co-worker pulls me aside...."hey i finally confirmed he does have a girl friend" 
Suddenly....everything doesn't seem as fun.  Why was he flirting with me and all that if he does have a girlfriend?
Then the shame spiral happened, why would he even want to flirt with me when his girlfriend is amazingly beautiful according to my co-worker...not only is she beautiful, she is the nicest person ever or so my co-worker said.  Damn you shame spiral.....so in my beer fueled brain.....i tried to act even cooler.  I took two pint glasses....i sang karaoke...i acted like i am the coolest girl.  But then once i got off the subway...i went to loblaws (it's open 24 hours) bought a frozen pizza, a chocolate bar, and a bag of chips....then went home to eat my sad feelings of loneliness. 
Now don't get me wrong...i didn't drink out of control...i think in total across the whole night i had 6 pints not a lot because it was between 5 pm and 1:30 am.  I maintained....well until the end...then i focused really hard at not looking like the drunk food shopping at 2 am on Friday.
But this is not the point of my confession...my confession is all about how i am actually lonely.  I am sad and tired of being by myself....but guys turn me into an insecure mess.  It is like a catch-22 situation.  I want to be on my own right now so i can stop feeling horribly insecure but at the same time...i am lonely by myself.  Why am i so screwed up?  I was joking with a friend last week about how we both have such damaged views towards relationships and she explains hers by watching her parents and all the relationships around her not work out.  But me....everyone i know has great solid relationships...then there is me with all my crazy trust issues and all that stuff.  What is the deal with that??? you would think that will all my positive roll models around me i would love to jump into a relationship...but then i can't trust anyone with my heart. 

I deleted my POF profile Friday night......i haven't been on it in awhile but when i finally signed on, i got all these proposition emails...turns out...my account was somehow set up for intimate encounter (NOT WHAT I WANTED!!) but Friday night....in my screwed up brain, i thought...gee...a friends with benefits is way better than being on my own.  Saturday morning....i got up and first thing i did was delete the account.  I am not about to let drunk sad lonely me make horrible mistakes.  Although...sad news...the idea has been planted...and i can't delete it as easy as i deleted my profile. 

This has been my confession.  Welcome to my mess!

Too Fast

It was Feb 1st yesterday. 

One month of the new year has already gone by....so fast, it's like i blinked and missed it.  But at the same time, i am feeling incredibly positive.....about life, and work.

Although i started thinking today.....life is rushing by so fast....have i accomplished what i wanted to? If i could, would i go back and change anything?

I haven't accomplished everything i wanted to, and i am not where i thought i would be at this age....as a kid i had crazy fantasy's of traveling the world and being a famous fashion designer.  Do i still want to do that....no...the more i grow up and learn about myself, the more i change my life plan....it's more like a life outline. 
I am a homebody...i love spending time with family and close friends.....yes i would love to see the world and travel and experience new things....but i would miss home if i stayed away too long. 
And i don't want fame.....i want happiness, and i have learned i would rather do something that pleases myself than something that pleases the world.
These are the things i have learned with my 31 years of life experience.