Tomorrow is my birthday. It is, i guess, a new year/fresh start for me. This last year was REALLY HARD, between the broken ankle, the pneumonia, the leftover breathing problems from the pneumonia, the major changes at work. Then Dad got diagnosed with Prostate Cancer. Completely out of left field and terrifying. I still can't really think about it without CRYING like a baby.
BUT.....good news, it was caught very early and outlook seems good. He was given two options - surgery and radiation. He chose surgery and his surgery was yesterday. He is now safely out of surgery but still in the hospital. There will be a long recovery and he is still in a lot of pain. I want to hug him lots!
But as you can see it hasn't been a smooth ride this year. And with dad's surgery and recovery being everyone's top priority. I am content to let my birthday quietly pass.
I like my new job but i am not sure it is everything i am looking for. And i want to buy a condo but due to my confirmed spinsterness....condo seems ify. Although with my new job i should be able to afford it. But i need to wait until i am permanent at my new job before i make any big purchases.
I am trying really hard to restart the positivity train. Isn't funny that i can be positive and supportive to everyone around me but i am so much harder on myself. I expect so much more. I am not running as well as i expect, even though, running itself is awesome since a broken ankle should make me question why i would even run in the first place. I have this great new job which i am doing great at considering that i have had little training and i am kind of out of my element. But any time someone recognizes me, i explain it away and try to recognize someone else. Why am i so bad at taking positive feed back and recognition?
So, with my birthday tomorrow, it is my new years. And i promise myself to be nicer to me. And if i start getting negative again, i will look into talking to a professional who should help me with techniques at overcoming the dark clouds that loom over my head.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Mind Space
It is really weird......a little while ago i decided that i would be nicer to myself and stay positive. that was my goal. And i was doing great but this last month.....i have slide back into negative city.
I am feeling negative about everything.
I think things would be better if i could just face things with a happy outlook but for some reason i am always expecting the worst.
This is such a vicious cycle i am in. I say i am going to be positive, i work at it and i am positive for like a brief minute....then something happens and i slide right back into negative town. I need to figure out how to rally.
I don't even feel like writing this blog which is my feelings outlet.
Time to re-evaluate.
I am feeling negative about everything.
I think things would be better if i could just face things with a happy outlook but for some reason i am always expecting the worst.
This is such a vicious cycle i am in. I say i am going to be positive, i work at it and i am positive for like a brief minute....then something happens and i slide right back into negative town. I need to figure out how to rally.
I don't even feel like writing this blog which is my feelings outlet.
Time to re-evaluate.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Running
So, i had a great goal when i was coming back from my broken ankle. Start training and run the waterfront half marathon. I just wanted to prove to myself i could get back to where i was before the ankle, before the depression, before the eating my feelings, before the health problems.
It has not been as easy as i thought. I am nowhere near where i want to be in terms of cardio and fitness. And the more i work at it, the more sore my ankles get. The throb every night. I stretch them out and i ignore the pain hoping that if i kept working at it, it would go away. So far...not so much.
Also, me and Jenn and Tak signed up for this running room half marathon training program. I thought it was going to be great....but it just re-enforces my helplessness feeling.
I am so much slower than i use to be and i don't think i am going to get back to that old speed.
This running room group could be great for people that are like at their peak and are working towards time goals. Also....they are all like crazy gazelles. Everyone in the group is super fast. I know Jenn and Tak would run with me if i asked but they are working towards their own time goals, i can't hold them back. But running behind them just reminds me how far behind i am from what i use to be.
Instead of finding this group helpful and motivating, i am feeling more negative about it and more hopeless. Seeing everyone at their best just reminds me how far from my best i am and makes me worry that i will never get there. Then i ask myself is this even what i want anymore?
I won't stop because i miss jenn and tak like crazy. I use to see them at least twice a week and we would do brunch and it was amazing. Now with the run group i see them regularly again. I don't want to lose that friendship. I must admit though, i still feel so separated from them. Re-joining boot camp could be a way to rebond. But here is the thing. I have never enjoyed boot camp because i hate that competitive mindset of the participants. I want everyone to try their best in a supportive manner and that is never the vibe i got from Marv.
Maybe this is all just me being crazy. I just got the promotion i wanted and it feels ungrateful to be unhappy about that and i have been unhappy for so long with things that i don't know how to stop and running has become my unhappy outlet.
God i am a mental case. I really need to work on that not being crazy thing because it is starting to take over all aspects of my life.
It has not been as easy as i thought. I am nowhere near where i want to be in terms of cardio and fitness. And the more i work at it, the more sore my ankles get. The throb every night. I stretch them out and i ignore the pain hoping that if i kept working at it, it would go away. So far...not so much.
Also, me and Jenn and Tak signed up for this running room half marathon training program. I thought it was going to be great....but it just re-enforces my helplessness feeling.
I am so much slower than i use to be and i don't think i am going to get back to that old speed.
This running room group could be great for people that are like at their peak and are working towards time goals. Also....they are all like crazy gazelles. Everyone in the group is super fast. I know Jenn and Tak would run with me if i asked but they are working towards their own time goals, i can't hold them back. But running behind them just reminds me how far behind i am from what i use to be.
Instead of finding this group helpful and motivating, i am feeling more negative about it and more hopeless. Seeing everyone at their best just reminds me how far from my best i am and makes me worry that i will never get there. Then i ask myself is this even what i want anymore?
I won't stop because i miss jenn and tak like crazy. I use to see them at least twice a week and we would do brunch and it was amazing. Now with the run group i see them regularly again. I don't want to lose that friendship. I must admit though, i still feel so separated from them. Re-joining boot camp could be a way to rebond. But here is the thing. I have never enjoyed boot camp because i hate that competitive mindset of the participants. I want everyone to try their best in a supportive manner and that is never the vibe i got from Marv.
Maybe this is all just me being crazy. I just got the promotion i wanted and it feels ungrateful to be unhappy about that and i have been unhappy for so long with things that i don't know how to stop and running has become my unhappy outlet.
God i am a mental case. I really need to work on that not being crazy thing because it is starting to take over all aspects of my life.
the moment
Standing in the kitchen at my parents house making guacamole....that's when it hit me.
It was a bbq for my mom's birthday. We are a loud boisterous and very close family. Sometimes it drives me crazy when they are all up in my business and sometimes I am jealous that they all seem to be doing good while I flounder around trying to find my path. But while making guacamole....listening to them all outside swimming and laughing and talking and I realized something......I am so lucky. That is my family and I love them.
I feel confused sometimes because i work so hard to achieve something or even just to prove to myself....something. I don't know what.
You know that life path everyone seems to be on - job, relationship, marriage, home ownership, kids. How did everyone know to follow that plan and why does it seem so off to me. I love my independence. I think i like my life but i have to ask myself....if i love my life so much, why am i not happier? I think it is because i have never really been able to make a decision without weighing the pros and cons of both sides until i have flip flopped so much on a decision, i have no idea what i originally wanted to do. What i need to do is just embrace the path i am on now because constantly worried i am missing out on other things doesn't work for me.
I signed up for an online dating site and everyone on there....just not for me. I always thought i would just know when i met the right person but i am so worried about getting hurt, i won't let any one in....ever! I was hoping i could change that by doing the online dating thing but no one is messaging me and i am not messaging anyone. So that is a bust.
Laura thinks i should meet with a life coach to help me figure all this stuff out. But that just seems weird to me.
My real problem is that i am afraid.....like all the time. Afraid of screwing up, afraid of getting hurt, afraid of being judged, afraid of everything. How do i get over that? Do things that scare me? Push the envelope?
Who knows?
It was a bbq for my mom's birthday. We are a loud boisterous and very close family. Sometimes it drives me crazy when they are all up in my business and sometimes I am jealous that they all seem to be doing good while I flounder around trying to find my path. But while making guacamole....listening to them all outside swimming and laughing and talking and I realized something......I am so lucky. That is my family and I love them.
I feel confused sometimes because i work so hard to achieve something or even just to prove to myself....something. I don't know what.
You know that life path everyone seems to be on - job, relationship, marriage, home ownership, kids. How did everyone know to follow that plan and why does it seem so off to me. I love my independence. I think i like my life but i have to ask myself....if i love my life so much, why am i not happier? I think it is because i have never really been able to make a decision without weighing the pros and cons of both sides until i have flip flopped so much on a decision, i have no idea what i originally wanted to do. What i need to do is just embrace the path i am on now because constantly worried i am missing out on other things doesn't work for me.
I signed up for an online dating site and everyone on there....just not for me. I always thought i would just know when i met the right person but i am so worried about getting hurt, i won't let any one in....ever! I was hoping i could change that by doing the online dating thing but no one is messaging me and i am not messaging anyone. So that is a bust.
Laura thinks i should meet with a life coach to help me figure all this stuff out. But that just seems weird to me.
My real problem is that i am afraid.....like all the time. Afraid of screwing up, afraid of getting hurt, afraid of being judged, afraid of everything. How do i get over that? Do things that scare me? Push the envelope?
Who knows?
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