The Lipstick Adventure

Me and shoppers drug mart may be in a fight.  Okay, i know it is weird to fight with a drug store, especially one i have been so faithfully loyal to.

I am so loyal they send me the shoppers drug mart magazine, in it they advertise and review products that they sell in their stores.  I was doing my regular review of the new Glow magazine last week (yes i regularly read glow magazine) and saw an ad for the best looking lipstick ever.  Now i don't normally freak out over lipstick because i am usually too lazy to wear it because it requires constant monitoring especially since i lick and touch my lips so much.  Usually if i wear it, by the time i get to where i am headed, it will be all off.  Or it will be such a bold colour that i will get outside my apartment door, do a lips check and panic....."too much too much" and wipe it off immediately.

I got into this huge lipstick kick a few years ago and couldn't stop buying super bright pink lipstick, i loved it, it was bold and fun.  But i don't wear it much because it is too bright to wear to work and the people and places i socialize in don't require fancy make up.  So i smartened up, bought a plainer lipstick that is more useful and versatile.

But while i am flipping through this month's Glow, i see an ad for the Boujois Pairs Velvet matte lipstick.  It looks awesome:

See....doesn't it look amazing.

I immediately start researching because i want to know more.  Reviews are great but it is only available at shoppers in canada.  So no problem, shoppers has never let me down before....do you see where i am headed with this.  Well i have been to 4 separate shoppers and not a single one has this lipstick.  I don't want to order it online because i need to test it out.  It is hard to tell what the actual colour is like online.  

So what do i do....keep haunting shoppers until i find it.  Get mad and boycott shoppers because they keep saying they have it but when i get there, they don't.  I don't want to boycott shoppers, i am so close to the next level of optimum points.  I like to do a celebratory dance each time i reach a new points level.  i don't want to give up that dance....it feels like i have accomplished something....spending large amounts of dollars at shoppers for meaningless points that i am never going to cash in because i keep telling myself to wait for the next level.  it is like the Scientology of shoppers.

Anyways....i thought i would make the blog post today something new and different.  Isn't nice to not hear me whine about my feelings and craziness....instead you get to hear me complain.  Man aren't you lucky.

I swear, I am starting to see through to the other end of this feelings explosion...which is a good thing because the Lake House, you know that movie with Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock where they write letters through time....that movie made me cry sunday night.  I am on an emotions roller coaster and i need to get off.  I don't know what is better, ignoring my feelings for two months or now experiencing every feeling times 20?

Tomorrow i plan to write about Gotham and Marvel's Agents of Shield.  Now that new tv is back, a whole new world of things to talk about has opened.  Although i gave myself one goal over the summer and that was to catch up on Arrow before the new season.  I am sad to say i have completely failed....I also need to see the third season of Korra, and the Last Avatar but it was on netflix and now i can't find it.  Also i need to talk to jordan because he is going to help me get american netflix.....i saw it at his house and i was overwhelmed by the choices.  I don't know if i am ready for american netflix, i already have a hard enough time choosing with my current netflix.

Oh and finally in other exciting news....i had been considering switching to iphone because i miss itunes so bad...and i get super jealous at all the awesome cases iphones have.  But...this weekend, i discovered i can make on the go playlists with my current music player on my samsung.  WOOOT

So all weekend, i made up different play lists.  I like to mix up pop with rock with 80's with musicals. I have been told my playlists are very weird...maybe i will list one for you sometime.

Promises

So i have decided to try to always be honest with myself.

I have a small to large problem.....i have turned into an oversharer.  In acknowledging my fears and embracing my feelings  it has left me a little cracked.  On friday someone asked me how i was doing and i launched into a 10 minute speech about feelings.  While the person politely listened and i could see it in their face they wanted to back away slowly but i just couldn't stop myself from talking. Seriously, the whole time in my head i was like..."SHUT UP....STOP TALKING...DON"T SAY THAT"  but i just kept going.  I need to learn how to balance the accepting of my feelings with the appropriate time to share them.

I am glad that i am working things out but i am starting to feel unhinged.  And all those bad feelings i feel, i have tunneled into feeling them about work.  Work for me right now is an oppressive place that i can't be myself.  I walk through that door and all my worries about failing and not doing my best take over.  It is like when i put on my blazer at work, it is made of lead.  I just don't understand why after working for a full year to get this job, i now feel like it is the embodiment of punishment.  I love talking to my accounts, and i love the actual work but i have received little to no training and i am making everything up as i go.  I am following my instincts which has so far been great but i have this overwhelming fear every time i make a decision that it is wrong...that i am wrong.  Why can't i let this go?  Why can't i just embrace that parts i love and just keep pushing forward....i want to let go of the worries....i want to just BILL MURRAY this situation.  Stop caring what anyone thinks, myself included.  But i can't seem to let go.  Why can't i let go?  I am an adult and i still feel like i am in high school and terrified of getting pushed around and made fun of by the school bully if i make a mistake. But i have to stop making one single person the bad guy.


In other news, i kick started my social life on saturday (it was kind of a failure where i stand in a corner and don't interact with anyone and wished i was at home watching doctor who).

Saturday night, i went to a bachelorette and can i just say....not that i clubbed much when i was in my 20's but being there saturday was not fun.  I felt so old....so many people were barely wearing any clothes....one girl just didn't put a top on and was only wearing a bra....WHEN DID THAT BECOME ACCEPTABLE??  And there were just so many bachelorette parties there.  It is just not my scene....and i just felt so out of place.  I love dancing!  I do, i think it is awesome fun and everyone should do it....but this was not the place for dancing.  They never played a full song and all songs had some weird latin underbeat so you were never really sure if you knew the song.

So on top of my failure at being social on saturday....friday night, i did laundry.  not only did i do laundry on a friday night but i did it wearing a cat tshirt with a cat hoodie over top of the tshirt.  I doubled catted my outfit....announcing to the world that i have given up!  Spinsterhood here i come.

Smashy Smashy

Destruction is the most cathartic way to blow off your frustrations.  Seriously....it has been a rough couple of weeks, learning this new job and so much other stuff.....i am at so stressed out.

Luckily i have a great friend who is knocking down his house to build a better one.  He let me come over on saturday and swing a sledgehammer and knock down walls.  I did so many fun things this weekend and nothing compared to the feeling of swinging and smashing a sledge hammer into a wall and seeing that wall crumble down.

What else did i do this weekend?

I went and saw Wicked, i really enjoy the show.  Then brunch on sunday and you know how i feel about brunch.....i wish every meal was brunch.  Man, even thinking about it now makes me want to eat brunch....like right now.

Today was a big day at work, we launched the campaign and i went out there and networked successfully so i am feeling good about that.

I also went to see a councilor today.  I have been having a hard time the last few months and i really needed someone to talk to.  I needed to hear from an unbiased person that everything i am feeling is completely normal.  I am completely normal.  It is okay to feel sad sometimes and it is okay to worry but she helped me to identify the issues behind the worries.

And saying the worries out loud really really helped me be less scared of them.

I am worried that i will fail at my new job

I am worried that my new job isn't a good fit

I am worried that i may hate my job

But if i fail or it isn't a good fit or i hate it....it isn't the end of the world, i am not tied to my job and i looked at my history, i have always done a good job, i have always been great at my job.  and i am doing good at my current job.  I have to give it a chance and stop worrying what if and start focusing on the now.  And if in March i don't love my job or feel it isn't a good fit, i can always find another job.  My happiness comes from me, no matter what job i have.

Anyways.  I realized that i have been hiding from my feelings because i thought they made me weak. but my biggest strength has always been embracing my feeling and using that to understand the people around me.  I am going to try to remind myself that it is okay to feel what i am feeling.