I have like a million drafts of a post i am writing but apparently....i can't write it.
I am in a super weird place right now. I have everything i should want, the job i have been working towards forever, my family is healthy, it is almost christmas.....things should be looking up.
But have you heard that saying be careful what you wish for? Nothing is turning out the way i expected. Work is stressful and crazy. I am constantly stressed out, like every day. Worrying about everything, Seriously, i feel like a crazy person.
Good thing i am seeing a counselor.
This may sound weird but I was reminded this summer that we have this life for a finite amount of time. So use it wisely. Then I start asking myself, am i using my time wisely? am i doing what i want to and should? Is this all just a reaction to my feelings that i have long ignored and often just pushed down as a "it's no be deal" response?
Simple answer.....i don't know? I guess that is a question to ask my counselor.
Because right now, all my worst traits are coming forward. I think i am doing a terrible job at my job (although there has been evidence to the contrary my brain refuses to believe that i am doing a good job). I am becoming overly melancholy about the things around me. And i really want to give into my hermit crab tendencies.
This is not what i should be doing....i try repeating a saying in my head to pep me up. "i am doing great, i am making a difference" But my brain starts racing and i start thinking about all the questions popping around my head. "did i choose this path because i am afraid to fail on the path i really want to take" "am i scared to fail at this job so i am setting myself up to have one foot out the door"
Basically after re-reading this....i am letting fear control me. I am afraid of disappointing myself, disappointing others, of getting hurt...there are a lot of fears banging around in my head. Maybe i should figure out how to be brave.
