Unpublished

I have been starting and stopping blog posts for the last two months.  There are things i want to say but i don't know how and there are things i don't even want to think about....So i avoid the one place i try not to lie to myself.....my blog.

It has been a strange 9 months.  I got a temporary promotion at work, my brain freaked out due to stress, and my dad got cancer.  Most of the stress was due to worrying about my dad...i don't know if you guys know this but i am a HUGE daddy's girl, and i am super close to my family.....even just the thought of losing someone sends me into a giant tailspin.

But i am not going to write about that because i wrote this short story...actually i sent it to a friend to edit so i could submit it to the short story contest...i have missed the deadline because she didn't edit it...but that is a different issue.  The short story was mainly me just blogging about my feelings.  I think i am going to review it and post it here.

What i am writing about today, what i think it is time to get back to....is that i start and stop things, i am not great at completing or finishing things.  I am afraid to fail and so i never get started.  I also have this major confidence thing where i don't believe in myself in certain areas.  I guess i don't think i am special....which is crazy because people tell me all the time i am special and unique and why can't i hear them or believe them?

Okay....stop beating myself up.  I am a bully but only to myself.

What i did yesterday....to make a change....our EAP at work has this life coach service.  I know there are a lot of people in my family or friends that could be a wonderful life coach but i need an unbiased third party.  I learned from my counseling that i listen way better to a stranger telling me what to do then a friend.  So i have started the process and will have a life coach soon who can help me stop standing still and move forward and make changes and finally take the risks i want to.

almost to the finish line

I am so close to vacation......i have to survive 10 days, including today!  10 days....but during those 10 days, i have to accomplish a lot at work, figure out a million christmas presents, and then make them. I really need to cut people from my giving list at work but i can't not give them presents, it is the nice thing to do and i always do the nice thing.

Christmas Kick Off

It was the Santa Claus parade this weekend....and that is the start of Christmas in our family.  We are a HUGE Christmas family and i think Christmas will be even bigger this year because we have a lot to celebrate with Dad being cancer free now.

How do we kick off Christmas, well it all starts on Saturday with me and dad.  We get bundled up and go up on the roof and put up the Christmas lights.  With dad being retired this year, he put some of them up on Friday because he was trying a new method of hanging them.  So Saturday, Dad didn't want too many people on the roof since we just got it fixed so i stood on the lawn and watched him put them up on the roof, then i got bored so i raked the leaves.  It was a good afternoon.  Then we went to bulk barn for our first of many Christmas baking trips to bulk barn.  (We spend a lot of time planning our Christmas baking) and then dad baked his Christmas cake.

Finally we ended the evening by ordering in Swiss Chalet, and sitting in front of the fire, eating dinner while watching Hunger Games.  It was a great day.

Then Sunday was "the Show".  We all headed to mom and dad's for the Santa parade and we were all required to wear our Christmas sweaters.  It is loud and chaotic and overwhelming.  But i love the chaos sometimes.  Sophie, my youngest niece, ran around demanding everyone chase her.  Braydon and me talked Doctor Who, and Ally was of course in one of her beautiful party dresses.  She only wears party dresses.

So....Christmas is coming up fast....so many things i need to do, figure out who is getting presents, and if i have time to make things for everyone.  I love making my gifts but i don't always have the time to get everyone something homemade.  Hopefully this year i will.

Shopping and Fashion

Mom and I went to Buffalo this weekend to have a fun mother/daughter shopping weekend.  Now i am a great shopper but i haven't done a shopping weekend with mom in a long time.  So i was kind of excited.  I also realized that mom and dad didn't get me a birthday present for the last two years.  But that is okay....this trip was the present.

Although we are really out of practice.  We hit up JC Penny on friday night as soon as we arrived (they are open until 10pm).  Then the next morning we got up and worked our way through the mall.  A lot of the stores we have in Canada as well so i wasn't so excited but then i realized that the deals we get in the states are great when you can find them but the real reason i love shopping in the states is the selection.  They have so much more selection than they have in Canada.

So....today i am wearing a whole new outfit and i must say...i feel very fashion forward today.  Low heeled ankle boots, leather pants, plaid blouse, and sleeveless sweater.  I must say my favourite purchase from the weekend are my low heeled boots. and my saddest moment of the weekend was finding new riding boots to replace the pair i bought like 3 years ago and have worn to death.  They are completely falling apart.  So i found a pair and they are beautiful.  but they don't have my size so now i have to decide if i want to order them online.  How important are they to me?  Do they complete me?

Here is a pic of my best purchase:

Here is a pic of the boots i am debating buying:

The Battle Royal

I have spent the last few months in crazytown.  I always forget how busy this time of the year is until it is actually happening.  There are late nights and early mornings and a lot of balls in the air.

So...what's been happening with me since i last told you of my mental crazy?  Well, i have seemed to find a good balance between my fears, anger, and 'don't careness'.  I have been overwhelmed with negative emotions because that is how i process big life changes.

So...the battle royal happened internally and i think for once, the optimistic positive person may came out on top?  Do you know what i miss, worrying about tv shows and obsessing over new movies.  I am tired of worrying about heavy things like life and death.  Seriously....i have had to face some issues that i have happily ignored my entire life.  Like mortality.  Personally i had chosen to believe that everyone lives forever in a happy safe bubble.  Apparently that is not true, there is illness and sickness out there, there is darkness and evil out there.  And things happen that we cannot control.

So....when is it time to get back to the happy go lucky me?  Hopefully soon.  According to my counselor, i am experiencing a lot of swinging emotions right now because when things were bad....i didn't let myself feel anything.  During the months i should have worried, i pushed all the feelings away and now that everything is okay...i have allowed myself to feel.


Hopefully there will be more blog posts in the future...hopefully they will be happier....and hopefully i will stop being so hard on myself.

Fear or Crazy

I have like a million drafts of a post i am writing but apparently....i can't write it.

I am in a super weird place right now.  I have everything i should want, the job i have been working towards forever, my family is healthy, it is almost christmas.....things should be looking up.

But have you heard that saying be careful what you wish for?  Nothing is turning out the way i expected.  Work is stressful and crazy.  I am constantly stressed out, like every day.  Worrying about everything, Seriously, i feel like a crazy person.

Good thing i am seeing a counselor.

This may sound weird but I was reminded this summer that we have this life for a finite amount of time.  So use it wisely.  Then I start asking myself, am i using my time wisely? am i doing what i want to and should?  Is this all just a reaction to my feelings that i have long ignored and often just pushed down as a "it's no be deal" response?

Simple answer.....i don't know?  I guess that is a question to ask my counselor.

Because right now, all my worst traits are coming forward.  I think i am doing a terrible job at my job (although there has been evidence to the contrary my brain refuses to believe that i am doing a good job).  I am becoming overly melancholy about the things around me.  And i really want to give into my hermit crab tendencies.

This is not what i should be doing....i try repeating a saying in my head to pep me up. "i am doing great, i am making a difference"  But my brain starts racing and i start thinking about all the questions popping around my head.  "did i choose this path because i am afraid to fail on the path i really want to take"  "am i scared to fail at this job so i am setting myself up to have one foot out the door"

Basically after re-reading this....i am letting fear control me.  I am afraid of disappointing myself, disappointing others, of getting hurt...there are a lot of fears banging around in my head.  Maybe i should figure out how to be brave.

The Lipstick Adventure

Me and shoppers drug mart may be in a fight.  Okay, i know it is weird to fight with a drug store, especially one i have been so faithfully loyal to.

I am so loyal they send me the shoppers drug mart magazine, in it they advertise and review products that they sell in their stores.  I was doing my regular review of the new Glow magazine last week (yes i regularly read glow magazine) and saw an ad for the best looking lipstick ever.  Now i don't normally freak out over lipstick because i am usually too lazy to wear it because it requires constant monitoring especially since i lick and touch my lips so much.  Usually if i wear it, by the time i get to where i am headed, it will be all off.  Or it will be such a bold colour that i will get outside my apartment door, do a lips check and panic....."too much too much" and wipe it off immediately.

I got into this huge lipstick kick a few years ago and couldn't stop buying super bright pink lipstick, i loved it, it was bold and fun.  But i don't wear it much because it is too bright to wear to work and the people and places i socialize in don't require fancy make up.  So i smartened up, bought a plainer lipstick that is more useful and versatile.

But while i am flipping through this month's Glow, i see an ad for the Boujois Pairs Velvet matte lipstick.  It looks awesome:

See....doesn't it look amazing.

I immediately start researching because i want to know more.  Reviews are great but it is only available at shoppers in canada.  So no problem, shoppers has never let me down before....do you see where i am headed with this.  Well i have been to 4 separate shoppers and not a single one has this lipstick.  I don't want to order it online because i need to test it out.  It is hard to tell what the actual colour is like online.  

So what do i do....keep haunting shoppers until i find it.  Get mad and boycott shoppers because they keep saying they have it but when i get there, they don't.  I don't want to boycott shoppers, i am so close to the next level of optimum points.  I like to do a celebratory dance each time i reach a new points level.  i don't want to give up that dance....it feels like i have accomplished something....spending large amounts of dollars at shoppers for meaningless points that i am never going to cash in because i keep telling myself to wait for the next level.  it is like the Scientology of shoppers.

Anyways....i thought i would make the blog post today something new and different.  Isn't nice to not hear me whine about my feelings and craziness....instead you get to hear me complain.  Man aren't you lucky.

I swear, I am starting to see through to the other end of this feelings explosion...which is a good thing because the Lake House, you know that movie with Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock where they write letters through time....that movie made me cry sunday night.  I am on an emotions roller coaster and i need to get off.  I don't know what is better, ignoring my feelings for two months or now experiencing every feeling times 20?

Tomorrow i plan to write about Gotham and Marvel's Agents of Shield.  Now that new tv is back, a whole new world of things to talk about has opened.  Although i gave myself one goal over the summer and that was to catch up on Arrow before the new season.  I am sad to say i have completely failed....I also need to see the third season of Korra, and the Last Avatar but it was on netflix and now i can't find it.  Also i need to talk to jordan because he is going to help me get american netflix.....i saw it at his house and i was overwhelmed by the choices.  I don't know if i am ready for american netflix, i already have a hard enough time choosing with my current netflix.

Oh and finally in other exciting news....i had been considering switching to iphone because i miss itunes so bad...and i get super jealous at all the awesome cases iphones have.  But...this weekend, i discovered i can make on the go playlists with my current music player on my samsung.  WOOOT

So all weekend, i made up different play lists.  I like to mix up pop with rock with 80's with musicals. I have been told my playlists are very weird...maybe i will list one for you sometime.